Let’s talk football, huddles and handoffs

By now — my twelfth year of blogging — I have seen and been involved in some unusual football and even email circumstances.

Though I am only 39—-ish, I feel like I am finally beginning to figure out sports psychology… and maybe even relationships. You could say I’ve been around the blog a few times, but I’m still experiencing new things every day, especially in Happy Valley, on the weekends.

I love football.

I love talking about it, I love watching it, and I’m sure I’m not the only one, male or female, who feels the same way.

Someday, all of us will be watching football — unless you’re still living in your mom’s basement — and it won’t be a big deal.

Maybe you’re watching football right now, while you’re reading this column (lucky you), maybe you did it last night, or maybe you’ve never watched it at all, but football is all around us.

We’re at the point in our lives when we are coming into our footballuality.

We’re learning the football game.

Who knows, between hook and laterals and the need to choke a “Big Ten official,” we might even be the generation that completely kills referees.

Have you had dirty thoughts about that cute tight end/cheerleader at your football game? Have you wondered what your partner would say if you wanted to play football on the 50-yard-line?

Well, I have, too.

Often, football is taboo. We can’t discuss what goes on behind the closed doors of the locker room, or in my case, under a crabapple tree once.

If you’ve ever watched MTV’s Cribs, you know the first thing anyone says when they enter their stadium is, “This is where the Greatest Show happens.”

Do they really need to say that? Are they sure they’re good enough to really call it The Greatest Show?

At Penn State, it’s more than in the stadium — it’s luxury boxes, Paternoville or the Nittany Lion Shrine.

For some, it’s a moment of true intimacy, for others it’s just another good night.

Football is the most universal thing in the entire world. Almost every species — except for round ball ones— has football in one form or another.

We were given these footballs for a reason, so why not take advantage of them?

The thrill of watching football is like nothing else. It’s exciting, and everyone’s talking about it.

College is the time when those whispers become a reality, when people take others’ Bud Light and roommates are football-iled.

And it’s about time we start talking about it.

I’m not going to tell you to change your beliefs and go crazy, but it’s time to start being open.

It’s time to break society’s first down chains (or not), and look at football from a different perspective.

Losing control draws me toward all of this.

I am not a thrill seeker, per se. I hate heights; I will never sit in the upper deck. I don’t ski or mountain bike or do any sort of extreme sports that give you the “rush” people describe, so I have football.

Don’t think for a minute that football is a less dangerous version of an extreme sport.

And frankly, I don’t think any extreme sport could give you the feeling that a white-knuckle, toe-curling Penn State offense does.

The pleasure runs up and down your entire body, and just for a moment — or if you’re lucky, quite a few moments — you disconnect from the stressful world.

There is no better time to have a little fun and explore than in college.

We have few responsibilities, and there will never be as many willing people around to experience the same things with.

It’s also the time when were most unsure about how to go about football.

I doubt any of us can call ourselves football aficionados, so let’s dive into a sea of huddling, Paterno and hiking, and figure it out.

Let’s get our minds — and hopefully pelvises — moving, and really delve into what’s important.

Everyone has that crazy story or awkward encounter with a partner that is worthy of being told, and I can relate, so let’s talk about football, huddles and hand offs.

You may have thought you could drain away all of your weekend shenanigans, just like that beer bong at last weekend’s football tailgate, but I am here to bring them back to the surface.

We are Nittany Lions.

And we’re beating everyone.   Except Alabama.

EDITORS NOTE:  If you currently have that WTF look on your face, I must point out that this is a parody of an article which originally appeared in The Daily Collegian by Kristina Helfer.  You can also read about it at Penn State Clips.


1 Comment

Filed under football, Humor, Kristina Helfer, Penn State, The Daily Collegian

One response to “Let’s talk football, huddles and handoffs

  1. You sure had me confused! And my partner and I are in complete sync when it comes to football.In any case, I think the original article embarrassed and/or angered about 99% of the females who attend Penn State University right now, who didn't want to be associated with it.

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