Tag Archives: Humor

Zipping Some Whine

The eve of the first game is upon us, and I can barely contain my enthusiasm.  However, the approach of this season has not been without it’s anxieties.

First and foremost . . . the season tickets.  For the last 23 years, these precious little pieces of paper came in the mail in late July.

July came and passed.  No tickets.

I got an email.  The tickets would be delayed this year.  New printer.  Blah, blah, blah.  Expect them mid-August.

Mid-August came and went.  No tickets.

I recently bought a new house and moved.  I checked my account.  Several times.  The address was correct.  Even so, the old address was my office address I was using during my divorce.  There were no tickets at the office.  Or home.

I did not see them here or there.  I did not see them anywhere.   I would not could not go to the game, if those precious tickets never came.

And then, another email.  They have been mailed!

TicketsOnWay

Oh, rapture!  Oh, joy!

That was August 22nd.

Tick. Tock.  Tick. Tock.

6DaysLater

It is now August 28th.  NO TICKETS.

Am I worried?  NO!  I was worried back in July.  I am way past worried.  I am way past panic mode.  I am a palpitation away from a stroke or heart attack.

And then they came.  Tuesday.  August 29th.  FOUR days before I actually need them.

True. . .  they could have cut it closer.  I could be running home to check the mail today like I have for the past six weeks.  I felt like Charlie Brown waiting for a valentine.

CharlieBrown

The whole thing irks me.  Penn State has pushed the due dates earlier for donations and ticket payment.  I used to get a complimentary extra parking spot (I still paid for the parking spot, but I did not have to increase my donation to get it) but they took that away.  And now I have to hope there are no mailing snafus or I might not get the tickets in time at all!  It’s just like health insurance!  I pay more and get less.  And maybe I won’t be covered at all!

But, I digress.

Enough whine.  Let’s see what’s on the main course.

Kangaroo kebabs.  A little gamy but it should be a nice appetizer before we dive into a big old plate of Panther Puttanesca (smells like victory!).  We’ll follow this up with a greasy helping of Southern Georgia Fried Panther.  Then, a more traditional serving of grilled Hawkeye (tastes just like chicken!).  Some Hoosier Hash.  Some Northwestern Wildcat, a little tougher than southwestern wildcat.  This will be followed by the main course, Wolverine sauteed in a water Buckeye Nut sauce.  Throw in some Husked Corn and Turtle Cake for dessert and you have a veritable gastronomic season of success.  No Spartan servings at this restaurant.  And NO Scarlet Knapkins!

Are you salivating yet????

Seriously, Penn State opens against the Zips of Akron.  I could write a well-thought out preview, analyzing the strengths of each team (all favoring PSU) and their relative weaknesses (only Akron over here,) but what would that accomplish?

Athlon Sports generously ranks the Zips at 109 in the nation.  This is one of their better rankings.  The Orlando Sentinel has them at 116, whilst Penn State is pretty much a consensual top 10 team across the various polls.  And while Zippy could go all Appalachian State over the Lions, keep in mind that Appalachian State had a damned good team that year.  Akron this year?  Not so much.

I predict a big win, but the point total might be lower if Franklin pulls the starters in the second half.  And if it rains.  And if Joe Moorhead wants to keep the playbook closed so as not to give future opponents video glimpses of our offensive prowess. And if I’m completely wrong and we end up losing for some unfathomable reason.

The point spread hovers around 32-35.  I think we cover that and then some.

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Roses are Red, But I am Blue

Better late than never, they always say.

But is a recap of the 2017 Rose Bowl really worth anything at this point?  Who wants to read about that now?  It’s been a whole week for goodness sake!  That’s like 49 years in blog years.  The Steelers won their first play-off game yesterday, but I imagine most web browsers are more interested in Ben Roethlisberger’s ankle or Joey Porter’s arrest following their win than they are in rehashing the X’s and O’s of Sunday’s victory over the Dolphins.

dolphin

While I have revived this blog, such as it is, I have not completely revived my zealousness for blogging.  Years ago, I created the 50-Yard Lion Blog for Penn Live, an on-line adjunct to the Harrisburg Patriot News.

At that time, I posted nearly every day.  Maybe it was a recruiting tidbit.  Or a funny picture/meme.  Or a blurb about an opponent.  Or something I read on a message board.  Whatever.  I posted like I was being paid to do it.  Well, I was.

But after a complaint by an Ohio State fan, I was unceremoniously dumped, and left to blogging on my own, sans remuneration.  The zeal has never been the same.

So here are my post-bowl season thoughts on the Rose Bowl (I know, there’s still a bowl game tonight between Alabama and some other team that also lost to Pitt and must have been way more impressive than Penn State so we don’t really care do we–bowl season for most of us blue and white fans ended about 9 pm January 2nd. but I digress):

Damn it!  I’m proud of this team.  The final two minutes were anti-climatic and completely unscripted.  They spoiled what turned out to be one of the most special seasons for Penn State football ever.  We were lucky to even be here.  After the last five seasons, I would never have expected to be in a prestigious bowl at all.

We have almost everyone coming back.  Next year should be fun to watch!

I am already looking forward to September.

You have to give credit to USC.  Down 14 points in the fourth quarter, they did just what Penn State has done to other opponents all season long.  They didn’t give up.  They made the plays they had to make.  They took advantage of our mistakes.

I really wish we had faked the hand off to Barley on 3rd and 4, and then passed the ball for a first down.  USC was waiting on Barkley.  I think a play-action fake would have left something open on a quick slant or to the tight end over the middle.  The time we ran off the clock by losing yardage on a play doomed to fail turned out to be inconsequential, and a first down would have probably won the game.

I vowed to myself not to play the coulda, shoulda, woulda exercise in futility with this game.  But I just did it.  I am a bad person.

I hope we can hold on to our coaches, at least for another season.  There has already been interest in Morehead and Pry.  They are staying for now, but we know how loud money can talk sometimes.

I’m glad I opted not to go to the game.  I had my finger poised to purchase tickets, but the total cost of the trip seemed too excessive given my current circumstances.  (No one’s paying me to write this tripe anymore!) But that lack of regret is not based on the outcome so much as the Rose Parade weather looked gray and cold, and even the game seemed unseasonably cooler than expected.  It would have pissed me the hell off to no end to spend that much money and have to wear a coat in Southern California.  And then to lose the game on top of it!

I am blue, though.  I really thought they would win this game.  I really thought we had it won when we were up 14 points in the waning minutes of the fourth quarter. I even EXPECTED the Trojans to miss the field goal and send the game into over time.  It’s not like he hadn’t already missed two kicks.  Or maybe we would block it ala Ohio State.

But for some teams, the glass slipper shatters before midnight.  There is no prince.

But I think there will be a happily ever after.

It was still a phenomenal and fun season.

And despite losing the Rose Bowl, the future still looks rosy.

I remember feeling this way after losing to Oklahoma in 1985.  That loss though, was a springboard to the 1986 undefeated championship season.  Could history be repeating itself?

Only time will tell.

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Journalistic Faux Pitt

This appeared in the December 29th issue of the Altoona Mirror:

psufauxpas

Pitt, indeed, lost the Pinstripe Bowl.

psufauxpas2

But look closely at the score summary for the bowl game:

psufauxpas3

Holy Crap!  Not only did I not know PSU was in the Pinstripe Bowl again, I had no idea we lost to Northwestern!  This is the reason we lost to USC in the Rose Bowl!  They jinxed us!

Or maybe the proofreader was still on Christmas vacation.

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RU Ready for Penn State Football?

Apparently not.

Rutgers did its best to hang in with Penn State, and even managed to make it to halftime behind by only 9 points.

But Rutgers is a really bad football team.  They have two wins on the season.  Howard.  And New Mexico.  They have not won a Big Ten Game this season.  They came close with a 34-32 loss to Minnesota.

almosthadit

I’m not Penn State but Big Ten give me a win!

Yet, the score was a god-awful 9-0 at the midway point.  Penn State fumbled the opening kick-off.  The Knights still could not score, as they missed a field goal.  I’d have to check the stats (and quite frankly I am too lazy to do that right now) but that might have been the only time they started in PSU territory all night.

But true to form, the lackluster first half performance was just a bland appetizer to the festive and delicious meal yet to come in the second half.  Penn State pulled away while the defense shut down the Scarlet Knights and handed them their 4th shutout of the season.

Special teams avenged their game opening fumble with a blocked punt in the third quarter.

I almost felt sorry for the Rutgers players as the stadium was nearly empty by the middle of the fourth quarter.  Granted, the weather was not pleasant, but still you would have thought some of their fans would hang in there until the end.  I guess that makes them fair weather fans.

Next Up: The Michigan State Spartans.

Sparty almost upset the Buckeyes on senior day at home in East Lansing, but a questionable decision and subsequent play call to go for two with over four minutes to play in the game, left the Green and White a point short.  They lost 17-16.

Up north, the wolverines dispatched the annoying Hoosiers 20-10, but trailed Indiana 7-3 at the half.

This sets up the season finale next week.

If Michigan wins, they will go to the Big Ten Championship game.

If Ohio State wins, and Penn State wins, the Nittany Lions will play in their first ever Big Ten Championship game in sunny Indianapolis, a prize package worth millions.

Since UM and O$U face off at high noon, Penn State will know the outcome of that game by the time they kick off in Happy Valley at 3:30.

The Spartans played the Buckeyes tough, but O$U has struggled on the road this year while dominating at home.  The game against Harbaugh’s team will be in Columbus.  Ohio State opened as an early 7 point favorite.

Either way, PSU needs to take care of business on their own senior day.  The Spartans have three wins (Furman, Notre Dame, and Rutgers.)  When you’re marquee win is against Rutgers, it really puts your season in perspective.

I think Penn State wins this game comfortably, but if UM beats O$U, it may take the wind out of our sails and work against us.

But . . . an Ohio State victory?  Beaver Stadium will be rocking!

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Sunday Sermon: Get Behind Me, Saban

And it was written,

And the old miss answered, “Get thee behind me, Saban, for it is said, ‘only Rebel not ye against the Lord.'”

–Luke 4:8 and Numbers 14:9

Oh, how the mighty hath fallen!

Look at this place!  Not an empty pew to be seen!  I have never seen so many repenters at one time!

So many denominations in one place!  Baptists, Episcopalians, Ducks, Aggies, Huskers, Sooners, and Elephants alike!

Come now and here the word!

And the magicians did so with their enchantments, and brought up horned frogs upon the land of Oklahoma.

–Exodus 8:7

Repent!

And the Spartans laded their asses with the corn, and departed thence.

–Genesis 42:26

Repent!

And upon the golden altar they shall spread a cloth of purple, and cover it with a covering of badgers’ skins, and shall put to the staves thereof.

–Numbers 4:11

Repent!

As we look down the list of those anointed teams, we see much suffering and gnashing of teeth.

#1 F$U managed to avoid the upset omen, beating the Demon Deacons 43-3.  Ironic isn’t it?  Demon Deacons.  In this church???

#2 Oregon got upsot by Arizona 31-24 on Thursday night, a premonition of pain to come.

#3 Alabama got spanked by the Ole Miss, losing 23-17.

Not to be outdone, #4 Oklahoma lost to TCU 37-33.

#5 Auburn prevailed over #15 LSU.

#6 Texas A and M was beaten by #12 Mississippi State.  Lot’s of rejoicing in that state today!

#7 Baylor took care of Texas 28-7.

# 8 UCLA lost to Utah 30-28.

#9 Notre Dame used some Irish luck to overcome the #14 Stanford Cardinal 17-14.

#10 MSU outlasted #19 Nebraska 27-22.

Fifty percent of the Top 10 teams lost yesterday.

#16 USC went down to Arizona State 38-34.  Arizona is another state rejoicing today!

#17 Wisconsin fell to the Northwestern Wildcats 20-14.

#18 BYU fell to Utah State on Friday night.  Still no one paid attention to the signs!

All told, ELEVEN top-25 ranked teams choked yesterday, with the five of those ranked in the Top 8.

What can we learn from this?

Pride goeth before destruction?  (Proverbs 16:18)

The people ranking these teams don’t really know what they are doing?

It’s a really good thing Penn State didn’t play this weekend?

It ain’t over till you actually play the games?

And we will part with the wisdom and “been a dick shun” of ESPN’s premier prognosticator, Mark (Dis)May:

GO STATE!  BEAT THEM!

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Breaking BIG

Welcome to your weekly game guide, where we’ll guide you through the upcoming BIG Ten match-ups this weekend and who to root for, using our own blend of seasoning, reasoning, and irrational thinking.

The Ohio State Buckeyes are going to ride the Colum-BUS to College Park, Maryland to take on the Terrapins, led by former UConn commander Randy Edsall.  In his fourth season, he sports a record of 15-24 or thereabouts.  Good move for UConn, if you ask me.  But, you didn’t.

The opening line favored the Bucks by 10, but has dropped to 7.5, depending on whose line it is anyway.

The Buckeyes are not the team you’re rooting for. (Jedi mind trick.  Works on the weak-minded.  Covers most Buckeye fans.)

GO TERPS!

Indiana is hosting North Texas.  I’m too lazy to look up a line.  Let’s assume for a moment that someone outside of Bloomingdales Bloomington actually cares about this game.  We here at the Lions Den have no particular beef with Indiana, since we don’t care about basketball.  The Hoosiers are on our schedule, so in terms of schedule strength, it makes sense we root for the Hoosiers.  Whatever.

GO INDIANA!

The Mighty Men of THEM head east to New Joisey to take on the Scarleted Knights of Rutgers.  This is a concussive juggernaut of a game if ever there was one.  Rutgers is already calling it a rivalry.  Just what the wolverines needed.  Another rival in scarlet.  The wolverines are reeling from accusations of playing players in a coma (which would at least explain their poor record and on the field performance.)  Hoke is on the Hot Seat, but the head hunters are looking for Athletic Director Dave Brandon as well.  It’s a-maize-ing what mischief those Michiganders can get into when they don’t have football to distract them.

The reddish knights are actually favored by 2 in this contest.  Can Brady Hoke find enough injured players to beat the Knights?

I’m really torn on this one.  First, there is the generally accepted school of thought that you never root for THEM.  (Unless they are playing Notre Dame, or an undefeated Buckeye team, and even then, it goes against the natural laws of the universe to do so.)

On the one hand, if the wolverines lose, there collective backs will be against the wall more than ever, making them more desperate.  The only thing more dangerous than a nasty varmint, is a desperate one.  BUT . . . another loss could be demoralizing.  It could further erode their confidence and team spirit.  It might break their collective backs for the rest of the season, making them an easier target for us the following week.  Decisions . . . decisions . . .

Strength of schedule is meaningless since we play both teams.

We’ve already bested Rutgers, so the only logical conclusion is to say . . .

GO KNIGHTS!

The Wascally Wisconsin Badgers take on the highly annoying purplish Wildcats of Northwestern.  Boy did we here in the Lions Den underestimate the size of the fight in that cat.  Even on the road, and despite an upset over Penn State by the Cats, the badgers are the betting favorite by 8.

I personally don’t think Northwestern is that good, but I’m not convinced that Wisconsin is all that either.  Take away their run game, and they are beatable.  I also wonder whether Northwestern can sustain the level of intensity they showed last week.  I kind of doubt it, but we will go with:

GO CATS!

Purdue and Illinois will face off in Champaigne.  This game barely eclipses the Indiana-North Texas game in terms of interest.  We do not like Illinois.  We do not like their poaching coaches.  But since we don’t play Purdue, we’ll throw the Illini a bone.  And the Illini are favored by 8.5 anyway.

GO ILLINI!

So let’s see, what else do we have.  Minnesota is off.  Iowa is off.  Penn State is obviously off.  Is there anybody else?

Oh, look what we have here!

Two ranked BIG teams colliding?

The Nebraska Corn Shuckers are heading to East Lansing to take on the Spartans.  The 5-0 Shuckers are ranked 19th in the AP, while the 3-1 Spartans come in at #10.  Sparty is favored by a touchdown.  And while there is no hate here at the Lions Den for Nebraska fans, we still have not forgotten 1994, nor the non-touchdown a couple of years ago in Lincoln.  We have no love for Dantonio either.  We don’t play the Shuckers, but our strength of schedule will be enhanced and seasoned by a MSU win.

GO SPARTANS!

And, in case you missed it, UCF defeated Houston 17-12 in a wild finish tonight.  Houston was driving and had goal to go.  A holding penalty backed them up.  The UCF D let the cougar quarterback squirt free, but as he sprinted and danced toward the end zone, pirouetting and stretching to cross the goal line, the ball was knocked loose, and ruled a touch back as it rolled out of bounds.  UCF ball.  Replay confirmed.  Game Over.  And just for the record, that was not a fumble in Lincoln two years ago, but an unrequited touchdown.  GO SPARTANS again!

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NCAA Meeting

Please Note:  This video is RATED R (sexual language.)  Don’t blame me.  I didn’t make the video.  But I really enjoyed it!

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